My WaPo Submission
Love to the billies
For quite some time I have tried my best to get into the Washington Post Opinion section. Submission after submission ignored. But maybe…with the new news of Jeff Bezos stepping in to say they will basically only publish stuff that sucks up to his kind and those who worship his kind..I have a submission they MAY finally post:
Billionaires: Our Bold, Benevolent Overlords Who Have Never, Ever Done Anything Wrong
By: Me
Ah, billionaires. The lifeblood of our economy, the titans of industry, the self-made geniuses who—through sheer grit, intelligence, and absolutely zero inherited wealth or systemic advantages—have ascended to their rightful place as our betters. And now, with The Washington Post boldly reorienting itself toward the sacred principles of “personal liberties” and “free markets,” it’s finally time to give these heroic job creators the adulation they deserve.
We have spent too long listening to the woke mob who claim that billionaires hoard wealth, exploit labor, and use their influence to shape democracy to their liking.
It strikes me now that maybe these enlightened titans of industry just love money more efficiently than the rest of us. The fact that they pay workers the lowest legally (and sometimes illegally) permissible wages is actually a sign of brilliance, not greed or anything bad.
Stop the wokeness, America!
Look at the miracle of Amazon, where workers enjoy the privilege of running warehouse marathons or long drives without ridiculous interruptions for trivial things like bathroom breaks.
Or President Elon Musk, the philosopher-king of our era, who generously provides us with tweets, space rockets, and ever-changing policies that keep Twitter—sorry, X—engagingly chaotic. This fails to even mention the amazing cars (like my own) that NEVER have issues and famously don’t burn and explode.
These heroes are not simply business leaders; they are visionaries, reshaping society into a glorious, innovation-driven utopia where, if you can’t afford rent, you can simply innovate your way out of poverty (or at least find a sturdy bridge to sleep under). Actually, thanks to other billionaires and millionaires the bridge option is illegal. Cool.
Free Markets Save Lives
It is an undeniable truth that free markets have always been paragons of fairness, untouched by historical injustices or racial discrimination. Redlining? Just a minor clerical error! And don’t those people like living near each other anyway?
Pay gaps? Merely a natural reflection of merit! The idea that unfettered capitalism has ever disenfranchised anyone is a scandalous lie concocted by those jealous of the extraordinary success of others. If anything, billionaires are the greatest civil rights champions of our time, proving that anyone—yes, anyone—can succeed, as long as they have the right mix of whiteness, faux intelligence, connections, generational wealth, and luck.
So let us celebrate these free-market champions. In fact, let’s go a step further. Why not remove all taxes on billionaires entirely? They already suffer under the cruel burden of offshore tax havens and Swiss bank accounts. Trust me, as someone who doesn’t have money to know how that works…it sounds like SO MUCH WORK.
Also—why should they be forced to subsidize roads, schools, or hospitals for the unambitious masses? And while we’re at it, let’s just let billionaires write laws directly. Let tweets become law or whatever it is when they circle back from a ‘leadership summit.’ Those are the new Constitution. So modern!
With The Washington Post now fully committed to the gospel of free markets, we can rest easy knowing that the billionaires who own our newspapers, social media platforms, and political system will finally receive the uncritical praise they so deeply deserve. Because if there’s one thing America needs more of, it’s unchallenged faith in the unfailing righteousness of the ultra-wealthy.
God bless the free market. And God bless billionaires, our noble, benevolent, and completely flawless overlords.